Dave Aronson: Robofop

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A play in unnatural acts.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Mayor.
Robot, not humanoid-looking, with a crossbow mounted.
High Over-Lord Executive of Amalgamated Security Services (henceforth referred to, respectively, as HOLE and A.S.S.).
Ensign 1, in uniform with black trews, red tunic, and black boots, with A.S.S. across back, and small A.S.S. arms (yet to be designed) on left side of chest. He will need a dagger as a prop.
Ensign 2, dressed as above, but should be different in other appearance (hair, build, etc.). Will also need BREAKABLE dagger as prop - should be otherwise identical to #1s. May in fact be same dagger.
Four Constables, by name Porthole, Athhole, Arrowmiss, and Dartchampion, all with matching light mail, tabards (bearing, and in colors of, arms of A.S.S.), helmets, and broadswords.
Duncan, proprietor of "Duncan's Dough and Nuts".
Customers at Duncan's, including at least one more constable.
Optionally, Ladies of Ill Repute, and customers, at the brothel.
A Burglar, dressed in black and white horizontal stripes and eyemask, with much stubble on face. (Option: use genuine medieval (rather than modern) stereotype of burglar, which I do not know.)
Peasant.
Barber.
Robofop, played by same actor as DARTCHAMPION, dressed in shiny plate armor, but with puffed and slashed sleeves and leggings, lace collar and cuffs, turned-down bucket-top boots, big black cavalier type hat with large gaudily colored plumes, and sword belt with rapier and main gauche - in short, cavalier garb with plate substituted for shirt and pants. He also has a flintlock pistol, concealed. For authenticity to original, some sort of open-eye open-mouth helm but not fully open-face should be worn, such as a Viking "spectacle" helm with large cheekbone protectors, but mirrored glasses are a cute touch instead. Also with A.S.S. across top back, and arms etched on front - also possibly "THIS SPACE FOR RENT" on back.

SCENE 1 Office of the Mayor. Present is the MAYOR, at his desk.

MAYOR: (calling to offstage) Send them in.

Enter HOLE, ROBOT, and ENSIGN 1

HOLE: Good morrow, Lord Mayor. As your contracted constabulary, Amalgamated Security Services has invented a marvelous device that will aid in enforcing the laws and protecting the good citizens of your fair town.

MAYOR: So thou hast claimed, dear High Over-Lord Executive, but thou hast yet to convince me. Might we have a demonstration?

HOLE: Why, certainly! Ensign! Face me and draw thy dagger.

ENSIGN: (looks at his tunic, as if to check color; facially expresses first horror, then despair, then resignation, and complies, drawing dagger from right of the small of his back (or wherever it was that Star Trek (original) crew kept their phasers))

F/X: whirring from inside ROBOT; ROBOT turns to face ENSIGN

ROBOT: Put down thy weapon! Thou hast twenty seconds to comply!

HOLE: See? 'Tis instantly aware of all hostile acts within its area!

F/X: whirring from inside ROBOT; crossbow aims

ROBOT: Put down thy weapon! Thou hast fifteen seconds to comply!

HOLE: Ensign, drop thy dagger.

(ENSIGN does, looking relieved but still nervous. A couple more seconds pass.)

F/X: whirring from inside ROBOT; crossbow string pulls back and locks

ROBOT: Put down thy weapon! Thou hast ten seconds to comply!

Concurrently:

MAYOR: What? He already put it down!

HOLE: Blast! (fiddles with stuff on back of ROBOT)

ENSIGN 1: (closes eyes tightly, clasps hands, speaks quickly)
OurFatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynameetc.

MAYOR: What's gone wrong?

HOLE: I don't know!

F/X: whirring from inside ROBOT; crossbow bolt appears and loads

ROBOT: Put down thy weapon! Thou hast five seconds to comply!

MAYOR: Can't you shut it off?!

HOLE: (shrugs)
That can only be done by the Central Office.

ENSIGN 1: (finishes prayer, opens eyes, shuts them tightly again and whimpers loudly (optionally wetting pants):)
MOMMY!!!

ROBOT: (fires crossbow, killing ENSIGN; stage note: use NERF crossbow, not real!)

MAYOR: This will never do!

HOLE: Well, some bugs do remain to be worked out. This is just the alpha version. Our tiger team is giving it a thousand percent.

SCENE 2 Set on the sidewalk of a town street, by night. Among shops are:

Barber shop with red & white striped pole in front, at stage left. Closed for the night.
"Duncan's Dough and Nuts". The lights are on and there are people inside. All except Duncan (behind counter) should be hunched on stools with backs to audience, especially the Constables, prominently showing A.S.S. arms.
a brothel, with a large sign of a rooster and a cat. It may have lights on occasionally in windows above, with appropriate silhouettes, and occasional customers entering or leaving, greeted by buxom tarts. Optional sound effects of the occasional giggle, moan, squeaky bedspring, etc. coming from there; must not drown out dialog etc.
Amalgamated Security Services, with initials emphasized. Closed for the night.

All should have windows above, as though the proprietors live above their shops.

Enter PORTHOLE and ATHHOLE, stage left, and later ARROWMISS and DARTCHAMPION, stage right, a bit slowly and looking about, as though on patrol and looking for signs of mayhem. As the two groups meet at about stage 3/4 right, they greet one another.

ARROWMISS: What ho, Porthole, Athhole! How goeth the watch?

PORTHOLE: Hello, Arrowmiss, Dartchampion! All is calm on our beat. What of yours?

DARTCHAMP: All calm on ours as well. We thought we heard some mayhem, but 'twas only a cat.

ATHHOLE: Mayhaps we should charge its owner with disturbing the peace!

ALL: (laugh)

SF/X: town clock bell strikes two (Or: Town Crier announces "Two o'clock and all is well!")

PORTHOLE: (grinning) Ah, 'tis time we made sure there were no robberies at Duncan's! Will you join us?

ARROWMISS: (laughing) With all the trade that good merchant doth, surely he needeth many stout constables to protect his store!

DARTCHAMP: Alas, alas, I must go to see . . . a lass.

ATHHOLE: Well, (points to brothel) here is the finest brothel in town, the Cock and Pussy!

DARTCHAMP: (laughing) Nay, thou knave, I mean mine own fair lady - and she liveth at the other end of town. Get thee to the nuttery, and I shall see you all on the morrow.

ALL TO HIM
AND
VICE-VERSA: Good even.
See you on the morrow.
Be seeing you! (w/salute esp. if plainly wearing badge #6)
(et cetera sic - may ad lib)

EXEUNT ALL EXCEPT DARTCHAMPION, into Duncan's; DUNCAN greets them & v-v, they sit down on stools at counter.
DARTCHAMPION pauses, as if deep in thought (or at least love), then walks stage left, not as slowly as before but still somewhat slowly.

SF/X: From offstage left, a cry for help.

DARTCHAMP: (snaps alert, puts hand to ear)
What, ho! Some mayhem is afoot!
(runs stage left)

As DARTCHAMPION is about mid-stage, ENTER BURGLAR, stage left, running, with sack of booty. Upon seeing each other, they halt. BURGLAR attempts to dodge around DARTCHAMPION, to stage rear, then front, etc., as DARTCHAMPION moves to cut him off. BURGLAR drops sack (optional SF/X: breaking glass or pottery) and draws club. DARTCHAMPION starts to draw broadsword, but BURGLAR leaps upon DARTCHAMPION, who falls. BURGLAR strikes him several times. DARTCHAMPION stops struggling and lays inert. BURGLAR kicks and stomps him just for spite, picks up sack and runs off stage right.
After a few moments, enter PEASANT, stage right, walking. After a few steps, he notices DARTCHAMPION, and runs over to him, shouting:

PEASANT: My lord! My lord!
(kneels beside DARTCHAMPION and shakes him gently)
My lord! My lord!
(pauses, then slaps DARTCHAMPION's cheeks lightly)
My lord!
(pauses)
(looks around nervously)
(steals DARTCHAMPION's pouch)
(gets up)
(bangs on door of barber shop)
BARBER! BARBER! HELP! HELP!

BARBER: (opens window above shop, pokes head out, rubs eyes)
What's the racket down there???

PEASANT: My lord, this man needeth your medical attention! I found him just as you see him, but a moment ago, and I fear he may be near death!

BARBER: I'll be right down!
(shuts window)

SF/X: fast heavy "clomping" down stairs

BARBER: (comes out of shop, dressed only in nightshirt, and carrying black satchel; rushes over to DARTCHAMPION and exclaims:)
Why, 'tis a constable! Go waken the High Over-Lord Executive at Amalgamated Security Services!
(points to A.S.S. shop)
(attaches leeches to DARTCHAMPION, takes pulse, feels forehead, puts mirror under nose to check for breath, etc.)

PEASANT: (bangs on A.S.S.'s door, shouting:)
MY LORD! MY LORD! WAKE UP!

HOLE: (opens window above shop, pokes head out, rubs eyes)
What's the racket down there???

PEASANT: 'Tis one of your constables, m'lord! He hath been sore wounded!

HOLE: I'll be right down!
(closes window)

SF/X: again, fast heavy clomping down stairs

HOLE: (comes out of shop, dressed only in nightshirt; rushes with PEASANT over to DARTCHAMPION and BARBER.)
How is he?

DARTCHAMP: (groans, whispers, mumbles)

BARBER: He liveth - but barely. His mind seemeth undamaged, but his body needeth much repair.

HOLE: Hmmmm.

F/X: If possible, a candle, torch, or lantern should light over HOLE's head. Possibly a light bulb followed by a thought balloon reading "What's THAT thing???" as HOLE looks at bulb.

HOLE: I have many fine surgeons in my employ, with all the latest bleeding equipment and the best breeds of leeches. Let us take him into my shop.

ALL: (carry DARTCHAMPION into A.S.S. shop.)

SCENE 3 In MAYOR's office. Present is MAYOR, at desk.

MAYOR: (calling to offstage) Send them in.

Enter HOLE, ENSIGN 2, and ROBOFOP.

MAYOR: So thou thinkest thou hast improved thy device, eh? If it worketh not, THY staff cleaneth up the mess this time!

HOLE: Fear not, Your Honor! The old one was, shall we say, slow of mind, for we had modelled its workings on a wandering barbarian warrior that stopped by for some cheese dip. We thought mayhaps his skill at arms would be of use. This one hath the intelligence of one of our finest constables. And note the more user-friendly design, more ergonomically human in shape.

MAYOR: (frowns) Hmmmm. After thy dismal failure afore, I take not thy word but that thou SHOWEST me!

HOLE: Nil problemus, Your Honor! Ensign, face me and draw thy dagger.

ENSIGN 2: (looks at his tunic, as if to check color; facially expresses horror)

HOLE: Ensign! As the Amalgamated Security Services High Over-Lord Executive, I have given thee an ORDER!

ENSIGN 2: (whimpers, draws dagger, shuts eyes tightly, starts praying)

ROBOFOP: (turns stiffly to face ENSIGN, optionally with some whirring inside)
Drop thy weapon! Thou hast twenty seconds to comply!

HOLE: See? Still instantly aware of all hostile actions!

ROBOFOP: (moves hand towards rapier handle)
Drop thy weapon! Thou hast fifteen seconds to comply!

HOLE: Ensign, drop thy dagger.

ROBOFOP: (with Australian accent)
That's not a dagger.
(moves as if to draw rapier)
And neither is this.
(draws concealed pistol instead)
Drop thy...

ENSIGN 2: (drops dagger, continues praying)

ROBOFOP: (re-conceals pistol, picks up and breaks dagger, and faces HOLE)
My lord. A crime has been attempted against you. Do you wish to press charges?

ENSIGN 2: (raises eyebrows)
(stops praying)
(tentatively opens one eye for a split second)
(shuts it again for a moment)
(opens it again)
(looks around)
(opens other)
(relaxes)
(wipes sweat from brow)

HOLE: No, no, that's quite all right. Thank you.

And here, I'm somewhat stuck. It's been ages since I've seen the original, and don't at all recall the plotline, except that he starts to remember his past life despite attempts to erase it. The only other thing I do recall is the running gag about the SUX 6000 car, which I s'pose I'll work in as a chariot or some such.

NOTES -- Later on, have scene w/ old ROBOT, saying "What did he mean, 'slow of mind'?"

SCENE 2	Set on the sidewalk of a town street, by night. Among shops are: Barber shop with red & white striped pole in front, at stage left. Closed for the night. "Duncan's Dough and Nuts". The lights are on and there are people inside. All except Duncan (behind counter) should be hunched on stools with backs to audience, especially the Constables, prominently showing A.S.S. arms. a brothel, with a large sign of a rooster and a cat. It may have lights on occasionally in windows above, with appropriate silhouettes, and occasional customers entering or leaving, greeted by buxom tarts. Optional sound effects of the occasional giggle, moan, squeaky bedspring, etc. coming from there; must not drown out dialog etc. Amalgamated Security Services, with initials emphasized. Closed for the night. All should have windows above, as though the proprietors live above their shops.
	Enter PORTHOLE and ATHHOLE, stage left, and later ARROWMISS and DARTCHAMPION, stage right, a bit slowly and looking about, as though on patrol and looking for signs of mayhem. As the two groups meet at about stage 3/4 right, they greet one another.
ARROWMISS:	What ho, Porthole, Athhole! How goeth the watch?
PORTHOLE:	Hello, Arrowmiss, Dartchampion! All is calm on our beat. What of yours?
DARTCHAMP:	All calm on ours as well. We thought we heard some mayhem, but 'twas only a cat.
ATHHOLE:	Mayhaps we should charge its owner with disturbing the peace!
ALL:	(laugh)
SF/X:	town clock bell strikes two (Or: Town Crier announces "Two o'clock and all is well!")
PORTHOLE:	(grinning) Ah, 'tis time we made sure there were no robberies at Duncan's! Will you join us?
ARROWMISS:	(laughing) With all the trade that good merchant doth, surely he needeth many stout constables to protect his store!
DARTCHAMP:	Alas, alas, I must go to see . . . a lass.
ATHHOLE:	Well, (points to brothel) here is the finest brothel in town, the Cock and Pussy!
DARTCHAMP:	(laughing) Nay, thou knave, I mean mine own fair lady - and she liveth at the other end of town. Get thee to the nuttery, and I shall see you all on the morrow.
ALL TO HIM AND VICE-VERSA:	Good even. See you on the morrow. Be seeing you! (w/salute esp. if plainly wearing badge #6) (et cetera sic - may ad lib)
	EXEUNT ALL EXCEPT DARTCHAMPION, into Duncan's; DUNCAN greets them & v-v, they sit down on stools at counter. DARTCHAMPION pauses, as if deep in thought (or at least love), then walks stage left, not as slowly as before but still somewhat slowly.
SF/X:	From offstage left, a cry for help.
DARTCHAMP:	(snaps alert, puts hand to ear) What, ho! Some mayhem is afoot! (runs stage left)
	As DARTCHAMPION is about mid-stage, ENTER BURGLAR, stage left, running, with sack of booty. Upon seeing each other, they halt. BURGLAR attempts to dodge around DARTCHAMPION, to stage rear, then front, etc., as DARTCHAMPION moves to cut him off. BURGLAR drops sack (optional SF/X: breaking glass or pottery) and draws club. DARTCHAMPION starts to draw broadsword, but BURGLAR leaps upon DARTCHAMPION, who falls. BURGLAR strikes him several times. DARTCHAMPION stops struggling and lays inert. BURGLAR kicks and stomps him just for spite, picks up sack and runs off stage right. After a few moments, enter PEASANT, stage right, walking. After a few steps, he notices DARTCHAMPION, and runs over to him, shouting:
PEASANT:	My lord! My lord! (kneels beside DARTCHAMPION and shakes him gently) My lord! My lord! (pauses, then slaps DARTCHAMPION's cheeks lightly) My lord! (pauses) (looks around nervously) (steals DARTCHAMPION's pouch) (gets up) (bangs on door of barber shop) BARBER! BARBER! HELP! HELP!
BARBER:	(opens window above shop, pokes head out, rubs eyes) What's the racket down there???
PEASANT:	My lord, this man needeth your medical attention! I found him just as you see him, but a moment ago, and I fear he may be near death!
BARBER:	I'll be right down! (shuts window)
SF/X:	fast heavy "clomping" down stairs
BARBER:	(comes out of shop, dressed only in nightshirt, and carrying black satchel; rushes over to DARTCHAMPION and exclaims:) Why, 'tis a constable! Go waken the High Over-Lord Executive at Amalgamated Security Services! (points to A.S.S. shop) (attaches leeches to DARTCHAMPION, takes pulse, feels forehead, puts mirror under nose to check for breath, etc.)
PEASANT:	(bangs on A.S.S.'s door, shouting:) MY LORD! MY LORD! WAKE UP!
HOLE:	(opens window above shop, pokes head out, rubs eyes) What's the racket down there???
PEASANT:	'Tis one of your constables, m'lord! He hath been sore wounded!
HOLE:	I'll be right down! (closes window)
SF/X:	again, fast heavy clomping down stairs
HOLE:	(comes out of shop, dressed only in nightshirt; rushes with PEASANT over to DARTCHAMPION and BARBER.) How is he?
DARTCHAMP:	(groans, whispers, mumbles)
BARBER:	He liveth - but barely. His mind seemeth undamaged, but his body needeth much repair.
HOLE:	Hmmmm.
F/X:	If possible, a candle, torch, or lantern should light over HOLE's head. Possibly a light bulb followed by a thought balloon reading "What's THAT thing???" as HOLE looks at bulb.
HOLE:	I have many fine surgeons in my employ, with all the latest bleeding equipment and the best breeds of leeches. Let us take him into my shop.
ALL:	(carry DARTCHAMPION into A.S.S. shop.)

SCENE 3	In MAYOR's office. Present is MAYOR, at desk.
MAYOR:	(calling to offstage) Send them in.
	Enter HOLE, ENSIGN 2, and ROBOFOP.
MAYOR:	So thou thinkest thou hast improved thy device, eh? If it worketh not, THY staff cleaneth up the mess this time!
HOLE:	Fear not, Your Honor! The old one was, shall we say, slow of mind, for we had modelled its workings on a wandering barbarian warrior that stopped by for some cheese dip. We thought mayhaps his skill at arms would be of use. This one hath the intelligence of one of our finest constables. And note the more user-friendly design, more ergonomically human in shape.
MAYOR:	(frowns) Hmmmm. After thy dismal failure afore, I take not thy word but that thou SHOWEST me!
HOLE:	Nil problemus, Your Honor! Ensign, face me and draw thy dagger.
ENSIGN 2:	(looks at his tunic, as if to check color; facially expresses horror)
HOLE:	Ensign! As the Amalgamated Security Services High Over-Lord Executive, I have given thee an ORDER!
ENSIGN 2:	(whimpers, draws dagger, shuts eyes tightly, starts praying)
ROBOFOP:	(turns stiffly to face ENSIGN, optionally with some whirring inside) Drop thy weapon! Thou hast twenty seconds to comply!
HOLE:	See? Still instantly aware of all hostile actions!
ROBOFOP:	(moves hand towards rapier handle) Drop thy weapon! Thou hast fifteen seconds to comply!
HOLE:	Ensign, drop thy dagger.
ROBOFOP:	(with Australian accent) That's not a dagger. (moves as if to draw rapier) And neither is this. (draws concealed pistol instead) Drop thy...
ENSIGN 2:	(drops dagger, continues praying)
ROBOFOP:	(re-conceals pistol, picks up and breaks dagger, and faces HOLE) My lord. A crime has been attempted against you. Do you wish to press charges?
ENSIGN 2:	(raises eyebrows) (stops praying) (tentatively opens one eye for a split second) (shuts it again for a moment) (opens it again) (looks around) (opens other) (relaxes) (wipes sweat from brow)
HOLE:	No, no, that's quite all right. Thank you.