To the obvious tune.
Chorus:
Merry Xmas! (UNGH!)
Merry Xmas! (UNGH!)Verses:
Buying presents is a chore,
You're not done, the day before:Go for shopping at the mall,
Flurries have become a squall.Find a parking spot at last,
Half an hour now has passed.Snow and slush are on the street[0],
Through your boots they soak your feet.Now you fight into the sale,
Hear the losers weep and wail.Haul your booty to your car,
Hope they didn't tow it far.Go and kill a tree for Christ.
Lions sell them, what a heist!May the candles on your tree,
Cause the peasants all to flee.See the yule log blazing bright,
Like your victims in the night.See your neighbor's bright menorah,
What does he mean, "such a shnorrer"?[1]Other neighbor: "Happy Kwanzaa!"
What is this? What's your responsa?Hang up stockings, by the fire,
It will be your funeral pyre.May your deeds with paper and ribbon
Do great honor to Gil Hibben[2].Good old Santa, bless his soul,
Has brought you some more black coal.You were hoping for a gem,
Not these shorts you now rehem.You could use a mink or fox,
But your grandma sends you socks.Sending thank-yous you forget,
First-grade teach ain't got hers yet.Soon the year will be o'er again,
Steel yourself for next one's pain.Yes that's right, I'm on the verge
Of writing the "New Year Dirge".
(For the musically impaired, the tune is The Birthday Dirge, which in turn is to the tune of The Volga Boatmen.)
Footnotes:
[0] Written in 2002; first "white Xmas" in the DC area in about a decade!
[1] Go look it up. B-)
[2] Knife designer