Driving: Be Alert!

(yes, the world still needs more lerts)

• Don't drink and drive. No duh. Alcohol is a major factor in about half of all fatal accidents. Just Don't Do It. You may think that one li'l ol' drinky-poo will relax you and make you drive better... but you're flat-out wrong. Your reaction time, judgement, thinking time, etc. all do suffer. Same goes for any other depressants. Wait until you are thoroughly sober. How long does that take? I don't know, and it probably varies greatly from person to person. My own guideline is to wait at least one hour per ounce of alcohol. If you're tired then, sleep it off, because:

• Don't drive tired, either. Fatigue is just as bad as alcohol or other depressants. Pull over and take a nap. Your state should allow you to keep a firearm with you to defend yourself against whatever predators may see you as an easy target; if not, consult the NRA for a safer state.

• Don't drive under the influence of other drugs, either. Don't get stoned if you can't walk to the 7-11 to satisfy the munchies. The trails that the cars leave when you're on LSD may look neat, but you can get the same effects when you aren't moving. (Okay, maybe not the trails that the scenery leaves, but you can still walk, take the bus, or let someone else (who is perfectly sober) drive.) PCP may make you feel invulnerable, but that dump truck you're about to play chicken with is a lot closer to it than you are. Uppers may make you feel more alert, but you're so hopped up, you don't notice anything.

• No, not even legal drugs. Lots of over-the-counter remedies can make you drowsy. Read the label carefully.

• Even things that people don't commonly think of as drugs. Remember what I said about uppers? Same goes for too much caffeine. Besides, it's not an adequate substitute for sleep; remember what I said about fatigue. While tobacco itself may not intefere with driving, be very careful not to get distracted while lighting it, tapping off ashes, etc. Don't drop it lit in your lap... and don't toss lit butts out the window -- lots of fires start that way every year, and the world is not your ashtray. It's better overall to just kick the habit....

• Try to avoid distractions. Learn to ignore the screaming brats in the back seat, or shut 'em up. Don't listen too closely to the radio. (Turning it off, however, might not be better; the constant change of noises may help keep you from getting "road hypnosis".) Tell your mother-in-law that if she thinks you're such a bad driver, maybe she should drive (in her car of course, so she doesn't wreck yours). Don't hold deep meaningful conversations. If you must consult directions, have a passenger read them to you, or pull over! If you must make or take a phone call, use a hands-free cellular phone (they aren't that much more expensive), or better yet, pull over! (Making a call from a payphone is much cheaper than cellular anyway. Besides, any conversation, or other thing you must think about, is a distraction.) And ferchrissakes, don't occupy yourself with other things, like reading a newspaper, shaving, putting on makeup, or any of the many other idiocies I often see morons doing while driving.